


Stuck

by stargatefan_archivist



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2003-10-21
Updated: 2003-10-21
Packaged: 2018-10-07 03:36:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,831
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10351434
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stargatefan_archivist/pseuds/stargatefan_archivist
Summary: SPOILERS : NoneSUMMARY : Trees; the bane of Jack O’Neill’s life!





	

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Yuma, the archivist: this work was originally archived at [Stargatefan.com](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Stargatefan.com). To preserve the archive, we began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [StargateFan Archive Collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/StargateFan_Archive_Collection).

Stargate SG-1 Fanfiction - Stuck

Trees, trees, trees. As far as the eyes could see, well his eyes anyway. Jack O'Neill hated trees, he hated trees on other planets even more. What were they doing here anyway? And why did they have to be so...green, they're alien trees, the least they could do was have the decency to be orange or something. Glancing to his right he could see more trees, and one distracted archaeologist about to walk into one of the said hated botanical organisms.

"Um..Daniel?"

"Hmm?"

"Daniel!"

"What?"

Oh boy, Daniel sounded irritated. Jack briefly considered not saying anything and letting Daniel find out for himself, but then Jack would have to explain to Fraiser how he let his archaeologist get hurt again. Like he was able to prevent Daniel's many mishaps.

"Tree!" Was all he said. And without so much as an upward glance Daniel side-stepped the tree and continued to stare at the ground. What was so damn interesting about it anyway, it was dirt. How fascinating could it possibly be?

***

From her position two paces behind, Sam watched the interaction between her team-mates with barely suppressed laughter. A sly look to her left showed her that even the normally stoic Jaffa was holding back a smile of his own. It had been a quiet mission so far, and with only the Colonel's and Daniel's banter for entertainment, a good time was being had. At least by half of SG-1 at any rate. Then without warning she walked straight into the back of her CO.

"Oomph, sorry sir."

"S'alright Carter, not your fault" That last comment had been directed at Daniel whose sudden stop had caused the collision.

***

"Daniel?"

"Jack?"

"Found something have we?"

"Hmm, what? Oh, oh yes. This symbol on this tree here, I think it must have been made by the indigenous people....."

Jack had switched off at the mention of trees, he had decided long ago that nothing could possibly be interesting about trees!

"Jack!"

"Huh?"

"Are you even listening to me? I think this could be important!"

"Daniel" He sighed, "It's a tree! How important could it be!"

He had a whiney quality to his voice that he hated, but it was a _tree_ , after all.

"As I was saying. This symbol seems to be similar to a Mayan totem, that signifies cohesion"

"Cohesion?"

"Yes, cohesion, as in....."

"I know what cohesion means Daniel! I meant why would someone write cohesion on a tree!?"

"I have no idea." Daniel sighed heavily and continued to stare at the tree.

Jack glanced around at the rest of his team, Carter was almost laughing, he was sure, and Teal'c? Well, if he wasn't actually smiling, he was not far short.

With a gentle shake of his head and a shared look with them both he turned back to the _tree_.

"Daniel! Don't you....."

***

Daniel ignored his team-mates obvious humour at his discovery, he knew that it had to mean something. If it didn't, then this was nothing short of graffiti. Taking a step closer to get a better look, Daniel felt the ground beneath his feet give a little, almost like stepping on a loose sewer cover. Oh crap!

***

Teal'c watched with mild amusement at the events laid out before him, until DanielJackson stepped nearer the tree in question. He shouted a short warning then simply stared as it all played out, seemingly in slow motion.

DanielJackson had stepped forwards, then uttered a quiet curse. O'Neill had yelled his warning and had immediately leapt into action. The soldier launched himself at the younger man, pushing him down as a clear jet of red sap burst forth from the tree. Sadly he had not been swift enough and both men were caught in the tree's 'sap'. Once the flow stopped, Teal'c rushed to their aid.

***

Sam had been slower to react than her Jaffa team-mate, and reached the writhing pair a few seconds later. She knelt down and reached for them, only to withdraw her hand just as quickly as she realised no-one had a clue what this stuff was and they couldn't risk anyone else being contaminated. Thankfully both men appeared to be breathing, just somewhat winded from their brief encounter. She silently hoped that the 'sap' wasn't poisonous, and waited for the two men to untangle themselves so they could head back to the SGC ASAP.

***

"Oof! Jack get off me!"

"I'm trying to!"

"Try harder!"

"I am!"

Great, it just doesn't stop, I save his geeky ass from being totally drowned in this 'stuff' whatever it is, and still he complains.

"Daniel?"

"What!"

"Do ya think you could...y'know....let go of me?"

"I don't have hold of you!"

"You sure?"

"Jack, I think I'd know if I did...and why would I be asking you to get off me if I was the one holding on. You let go."

Uh oh, the thought registered in Jack's brain that if neither one was holding on, and that he couldn't seem to get up, then something was holding them together.

"Um...Danny?"

***

Uh oh, Jack had called him Danny, that was never a good sign. He still couldn't wrap his head around it, if he wasn't holding on, and Jack said _he_ wasn't holding on, then.....

***

"Jack?"

"Danny?"

The words sounded out simultaneously,

"I think we're stuck"

***

As Teal'c dialled home Sam tried to drown out the noise from behind her. The two men had been wrestled into a standing position and the team had walked to the gate. Well, walked was a bit of an simplified term for what was, in reality, a waddle. The men were well and truly stuck, chest to chest, and as neither one had wanted to be the one to walk backwards the entire journey had taken well over an hour, interspersed with 

"Jack?"

"Daniel?"

"Well I'm not going butt first"

"And why should I?"

"You are the commanding officer, after all!"

"Oh, so _now_ you choose to recognize my authority?"

"Well, y'know, I thought it was about time and all."

"About...." Jack spluttered. A sound Sam had been sure she'd never hear from her CO.

"Daniel, let me make this perfectly clear, as your commanding officer, I am _ordering_ you to go through the gate butt first!"

"Well, no you see, about this authority thing..."

Daniel's words were cut short by the sound of the gate activation. Both men snapped their heads round at the noise, or at least tried to. The effort resulted in them falling to the ground in a heap...a blue-eyed, be-speckled, silver-haired, bad tempered heap.

Sam couldn't hold back any longer and let forth with a huge cackle. She peered down at them, legs were entwined, hands and arms were flailing frantically and she couldn't tell who had been unfortunate enough to land on the bottom.

"Damnit Jack, get.off.me!"

Aha, that answered her question.

"For crying out loud Daniel, don't you think I would if I could!"

***

Teal'c had turned at the sound of raised voices and watched silently as his team-mates struggled for supremacy. In the end O'Neill won, and whilst lying nonchalantly upon his civilian team member ordered both MajorCarter and himself to 'Get them off this damn cold dirt!" With an open smirk he stepped over to them and helped them off the ground, inclining his head, he witnessed the two men try to brush themselves off only to succeed in brushing each other more.

"Dammnit Daniel, watch those hands!"

"You should talk...that was not _your_ thigh!"

"Thigh...who said anything about thighs!"

"Jack...I...er...I..."

"Daniel?"

"Jack?"

***

"Shut up!"

"Yes Jack."

***

Of all the things to happen. How on earth was he supposed to explain this one?

'Well you see sir, there was this tree....' Oh yeah, the General was gonna love this one!

***

Daniel watched Jack's face intently, not that he had much choice from two inches away, and knew what Jack was thinking about. This certainly was gonna be...interesting...to explain. On the bright side, at least the 'sap' didn't appear to be toxic.

"The bright side?! There's a bright side to this?"

Oh, had he said that part out loud?

"Yes Jack, there is a bright side, so we're stuck together, we could be stuck together and asphyxiating!"

"Oh, well, when you put it like that."

"Sir?"

Daniel suddenly got a face full of Jack O'Neill hair, as the older man turned to face his 2IC.

"Yes Carter?"

"IDC's been sent sir, we're good to go."

***

Go? Oh right, yes. Go, back to the good ole' SGC, through the gate and into the gateroom....which would be full of SF's...

"Um, Carter?"

"Yes Sir?"

"Do me a favour?"

"Sir?"

"Go on through and clear the gateroom will you?"

"Sir?"

"Oh god Jack, I hadn't even thought of that!" Jack snapped his head round to face Daniel, only to succeed in clashing noses with him.

"Ow!"

"OW!

Hands flew up to cradle bruised faces and caused yet another small impact.

"Will you watch it?"

"Will you?!"

"Daniel, so help me..."

"What?"

"CARTER! Clear that gateroom!"

***

"It's SG-1's IDC sir!"

"Open the iris!"

"Yes sir!"

General Hammond watched from the control room patiently as he waited for his flagship team to return. And waited, and waited.

"Anything sergeant?"

"No sir, it's definitely an incoming wormhole and it was definitely SG-1's code."

"What's taking them so long?" He muttered to himself as he descended the stairs and marched into the gateroom.

He stood in front of the gate and finally after what seemed like hours a lone figure emerged.

"Major Carter? What's happening?"

"Sir, I need you to clear the gateroom and get Dr. Fraiser here."

"Major?" The concern was evident in his voice.

"We, er, had a little accident sir."

***

Daniel was impatient. That much was obvious to Jack, the constant sighing, the little stamps of the foot and most irritatingly, the drumming of fingers on both their legs. He was almost sure Daniel was doing accidentally, almost.

"Daniel?"

"Hmm, what?"

"Daniel!"

"What?"

"Stop that!"

***

"Stop what?"

Jack grabbed Daniel's hand, removed it from his leg and held it in front of their faces.

"That!"

"Oh. Sorry."

"O'Neill."

Both men turned their heads to the Jaffa, cracking skulls in the process.

"Damn!"

"Ow, again!"

"T, you were saying?" Jack said with a tired sigh. The sap may not have been dangerous, but close proximity to Daniel was certainly proving to be.

"MajorCarter will have arrived at the SGC and the gateroom will have been cleared by now."

"Yeah, right, okay."

Jack looked at Teal'c who simply raised an eyebrow at him.

"Ready to go Danny?"

***

Daniel sighed. He hated it when Jack called him Danny, he knew that the other man only did it in situations where things were going to get sticky. Hah! Sticky, he made a joke. Strange...shouldn't jokes be funny?

"Um, Jack? How exactly are we going to do this?"

This was rewarded with a 'are you stupid' look.

"I don't mean going through the gate Jack, I mean _going_ through the gate."

The look changed to a 'are you touched' one.

"I'm still not gonna go through butt first!" Nope, no way, he was adamant about that one.

"Daniel, let's just try to get up these stairs first, then we'll worry about that gate!"

Ah yes, stairs. What a wonderful invention, unless you happened to be glued fast to your increasingly grouchy CO that is.

***

The gateroom was oddly silent, the low humming of an active wormhole the only sound. Major Sam Carter, General Hammond and Dr. Janet Fraiser the only occupants. Even the blast door had been closed, at the Major's insistence and the General's total confusion. However he had complied, putting his faith in SG-1's 2IC.

"Incoming traveller, repeat, incoming traveller." The sergeant announced from behind the trinium shutter.

'Okay here we go' Thought the General. At his side Major Carter stiffened and he saw Dr. Fraiser face contort into a small frown.

Suddenly all their focus was on the Stargate, as it spewed forth a large figure followed swiftly by the unmistakable form of Teal'c.

"Teal'c! You pushed me, you actually pushed me!"

"Us Jack, he pushed us!"

"Teal'c?" Sam inquired.

"Neither DanielJackson nor O'Neill was willing to concede the issue on whom should enter the gate first. I merely made the decision for them" His face never flinched, never betrayed the fact that he had taken great pleasure in watching the two men stumble sideways into the event horizon.

***

"Colonel O'Neill? Dr. Jackson?" The General's voice rose an octave above normal. He couldn't believe what he was seeing, two members of his premiere team lying in a tangled mess on the gate ramp. Although Major Carter had filled him in on their little 'accident', she had failed to mention the proximity of the situation. As the wormhole disengaged he approached the men carefully as one might approach a rabid dog. He wasn't all that sure the two scenarios were all that different.

"Colonel, would you like some help?"

"NO! Sir. Sorry sir"

"Dr. Jackson...son?"

"Umm, no thank you sir. We'll be fine if Jack would just get his foot out of there!"

"Where?"

"Never mind, sir!"

"Oh no, never mind...it's not you that has a foot right...."

"Daniel! No one wants to hear where my foot is."

"Well, then MOVE IT!"

The General shook his head slowly, then turned to face Dr. Fraiser.

"Doctor, see what you can do to separate them....before there's a murder in this gateroom. Colonel? Colonel! Colonel O'Neill!"

"Oh, yes sir?"

***

"Just try to hold on a bit longer, I'm sure we'll soon have you out of this." He leaned in close to Daniel's ear and gently spoke.

"Try to have a little patience son, it'll be over soon I'm sure." With that he walked swiftly out of the gateroom.

***

Jack choked, he actually choked. The General was telling Daniel to have patience! Why him?! Jack felt he should be given a medal for the amount of patience he shown towards the man who was, after all, to blame for all of this. The man who had set off the damn booby trap or whatever it was. The man who was wriggling more and more frantically beneath him.

"What's wrong with you now?"

"I have...badly" The young man mumbled.

"What?" Jack stared at Daniel's face and endeavoured to focus. The younger man was blushing furiously and seemed to be holding his breath.

"Daniel, what is wrong with you?"

"I have to...I have to pee!"

"You what?!"

"I've tried to hold on, but I really can't! I'm sorry"

"NO! No way Danny. I mean, I know we're friends, but that just too much! You have to hold it."

"I have been holding it!"

"Well, keep doing that!"

"Jack..."

"No Daniel! Just....no."

"Jack...it's starting to hurt now."

Daniel's voice had taken on a decidedly whiney tone, and Jack realised he was gonna have to do something.

"Doc!"

"Yes Colonel, I'm waiting for a nurse to bring some solvent up to us."

"Solvent?"

"Yes, Sir. I had a nurse start looking for it as soon as I was made aware of the..um...situation. It may take a while sir, we don't have to 'unglue' people very often, I'm sure you understand."

Oh yeah, Jack understood alright. He understood that if said nurse didn't hurry the hell up, he was about to become very familiar with Daniel's personal 'habits'.

***

Thankfully that was the moment the mysterious nurse made her appearance, brandishing a large bottle of pink liquid.

Sam looked between the nurse and her team-mate heap, and then back to the nurse. A professional she have been, made of stone she certainly wasn't, as the tears eking out of the corners of her eyes and the twitching of her shoulders.

"Oh for goodness sake Pamela, give me the damn bottle!" Janet's words were stern, but the smirk on her face belied the severity of her words.

"Sam, Teal'c I may need your help here" She spoke as the now giggling nurse exited the room.

"How may I be of assistance Dr. Fraiser?"

"What do you want us to do Janet?"

"I need you two to hold them steady, this stuff has a bit of a tendency to sting" She said passing gloves to her two makeshift assistants.

***

"Hey, what about us? This is gonna sting us too isn't it? I want some damn protection too!"

"Jack, that would kind of defeat the object, don't ya think!"

"Waterfalls, Daniel. Waterfalls!"

"Jack! That was just cruel!"

***

"Colonel, Daniel! Will you two kindly, shut up!"

"Sorry Doc."

"We're sorry Janet."

Janet leaned in closely and studied the situation.

"Sam, Teal'c, I need you to hold them perfectly still until I say so, ok?"

Upon receiving two affirmative answers she proceed to attach a fine nozzle to the top of the large bottle and finally started to squeeze the liquid out.

***

The sound was somewhat akin to water being poured from a great height and Jack could feel Daniel squirming more and more with each passing second.

"Um...Doc?"

"One second Colonel."

***

"Doc!"

"One second!"

"DOC!"

"What! Sir."

"Stop that, right now!"

"Sir?"

"Just...trust me."

Thankfully the doctor did as he asked and stopped. Jack swallowed hard and risked a look at Daniel. The man's face was extremely red his eyes were screwed shut and he had his lower lip between his teeth, biting so hard he drew blood.

"Daniel?....Danny?"

Daniel opened his eyes a fraction.

"She's stopped."

Jack received a nod and nothing more.

"Doc?"

"Sir?"

"Can't you just...y'know, slosh that stuff on?"

"Sir, if we want to be able to separate you without tearing any skin, it's imperative that the solution has a chance to soak through your clothes and actually get onto your skin."

"Doc, I understand that. I really do. Now you need to understand this. It's imperative that I get one archaeologist, with an extremely full bladder to the bathroom soon....alone!"

"Yes sir!"

***

Janet looked at her friends, and made the decision in seconds.

"Sam, Teal'c. Once this solution is on give me a ten count, then pull them apart. Ok?"

She turned once more to the two men.

"Guys, this is probably gonna hurt like hell, but you'll be free...I hope."

"You hope?!"

"I'm sure Colonel, I'm sure."

***

Jack was not happy, Daniel hadn't spoken for a while and was getting even redder-faced, Fraiser didn't sound at all convinced that this was going to work, and he had Teal'c's hands wrapped around his waist in a 'way' too familiar manner! No, Jack was not happy.

***

Sam bit her lip and tightened her hold on Daniel. She could feel him shaking with tension.

***

Teal'c readjusted his grip on O'Neill and positioned himself ready to pull.

***

Janet unscrewed the nozzle and held the bottle over the worst of the 'glue'.

"Ready everyone?"

When she was sure everyone was prepared she emptied the entire bottle over the two men, eliciting some very colourful words from them, even Daniel who had been silent till now.

"1"

"2"

"3"

"4"

"5"

"6"

"7"

"8"

"9"

"10"

"PULL!"

***

Jack wasn't sure who had yelled the magic word, but he was certainly glad when they did. The ten-count had seemed to last almost a minute. However, he quickly changed his mind when the burning sensation began. He sucked in a breath and pushed his body backwards as hard as he could. Suddenly he felt air against his chest, and he sagged with relief against Teal'c solid frame.

***

Sam had almost fallen over when Daniel and the Colonel finally came unstuck, and she found herself with an armful of archaeologist. Daniel looked up at her, then over at Jack, than with a huge grimace plastered across his face crawled out of her grasp and fled the gateroom.

***

The four people left in Daniel's wake stared at each other for a second, before leaping into action. Janet immediately to Jack side, inspecting the area where he had been 'glued'. It was red and angry, thankfully the skin was only abraised but intact. She met the Colonel's worried eyes and thought the same thought. If the Colonel had come off this lightly, Daniel was sure to have come off worse.

They all moved as one, out of the gateroom and down the halls.

***

Jack spotted Daniel first and called out to him.

"I'm fine Jack." Daniel replied in a strained voice, barely able to do more than limp down the hall.

"Yeah Daniel, you look it!"

"Daniel, I just need to check your chest." Janet said as the group caught up with the slow moving man.

The man in question turned to face them briefly.

"See, my chest is fine, I just need to go!"

With that Daniel ducked into the nearest locker room.

"Do you think he's gonna be ok Janet?" Sam asked quietly.

"SWEET MARY MOTHER OF GOD!"

Four heads snapped at the sound of Daniel's voice.

"Yeah, Carter," Jack responded, " I think he's gonna be just fine!"

***

SG-1 were seated around the briefing room table. The General headed the table, Sam was sitting by the good doctor, Teal'c was sat bolt upright as usual, Jack was sporting a very fetching hospital gown and a smile, and Daniel. Well, Daniel was sporting an identical gown to Jack, neither man being able to stand a t-shirt next to their tender skin, and a huge grin.

"Dr. Jackson, are you okay son?"

"Hmm, oh yes sir. I'm fine."

"Colonel, would you care to explain? And I need details Colonel, no skirting the issue this time."

Jack looked at the General then to Daniel, who was sitting with a dreamy expression on his face. Hell, the man looked like he was ready to light a cigarette and enjoy the bliss!

"Yes sir, you see it all started with these damn trees...."

'Oh yeah', Jack thought, 'This was gonna be one interesting debriefing!</p>

**The End**

  


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> AUTHOR'S NOTE: This is totally FCOL's and Layton's fault! FCOL because I started writing this for her, and then she tells me that I have to write it. and she got Layton in on the whole thing too!!! Pestering little......Nah! I love 'em really!

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> © 6th October, 2003 The characters mentioned in this story are the property of Showtime and Gekko Film Corp.  
> The Stargate, SG-I, the Goa'uld and all other characters  
> who have appeared in the series STARGATE SG-1 together with the names,   
> titles and backstory are the sole copyright property of MGM-UA Worldwide Television, Gekko Film Corp, Glassner/Wright Double Secret Productions and Stargate SG-I Prod. Ltd. Partnership. This fanfic is not intended as an infringement upon those rights and solely meant for entertainment. All other characters, the story idea and the story itself are the sole property of the author.   
> 

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